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Horse Stories + Personal Fables

by The Ellie Badge

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1.
2.
Let's talk about anything other than everything The world is too heavy today It's breaking my back. It's bruising my shoulders, my collar bone Leaving me red in the face And I just don't think that I can pull my head up now At least not by myself But I see you struggling over there The same situation as mine I wish I knew how to be cool at parties I wish I knew how to tell you I'm sorry for wasting your time You say that it's fine but I know that's a lie... Oh I know Cause Oh, I can feel it... But each step towards the water gets harder and harder And Oh, I can feel it... But I'm not going to make it this time So let's carve it out Do me this favor Promise to be there I swear to God I won't waver I just need someone to help me To keep this from dragging me down So let's carve it out Do me this favor Promise to be there I swear to God I won't waver I just need someone to help me To keep this from dragging me down... Just keep me around.
3.
This is not what I wanted This is not what I asked for I've been tangled, weaving Beckoning the end, the bathroom floor But I did this to myself Yeah, I let her cut my hair I watched her bathing, glowing It washed away the man I swore was there You knew me at my best and now there's nothing left But I'll make it through the dessert Yeah, that won't keep me down I will split these bloody waters Bring this temple to the ground But will you remember me? A life beneath an olive tree Oh, will I be the only Suitor who can pull the bowstring? You knew me at my best and now there's nothing left I gave you everything and then you left me with the rest Narcisist, narcisist Your kind will be the end of all of this
4.
Only One 03:19
For 10 whole years, oh yeah I've watched you roll around Inside my head, under the ground I never meant to let you down I never meant to let you... And when all is said and done I am no fun, I am no fun I am the only one I am the only one When I'm alone I am afraid you're watching me When I'm alone you are a part of everything Someday I'll show you just how innocent I can be Just you wait and see... And even though I knew That she was not the one for me We still spent time in her backseat I knew that you were watching me I knew that you were watching... And when all is said and done You are no fun, you are no fun You are the only one You are the only one When I'm alone I am afraid you're watching me When I'm alone you are a part of everything Someday I'll show you just how innocent I can be Just you wait and see...
5.
Back before that afternoon I was a different person I could've sung any of these songs Without knowing what the words meant But now I can see this world I can feel all of these strings I've always felt connected But now I drown in empathy I guess that's the silver lining I hope I've made you proud I feel like I'm a better person But it's hard to say out loud Because in your final moments You left a parting gift I spent years all alone And it gave me perspective But even then I'd give it up Every bit of character Every drop of who I am To spend one more day with her I know I was a piece of shit And I probably still am But I'd regress a thousand lifetimes If there was even a chance That you would make it out That I'd never see that room The one inside that hospital The one that became the tomb Of all my expectations The life I thought I had Where I had to start all over And build it up from scratch Maybe I was happy the way I was Oh, I still remember Staying up all night without a care in sight Just a twin-sized bed and a night light But then life did what it does And out of nowhere The gnarled hand of a blood red man Twisted and turned my everything
6.
WeSuckBlood 04:20
I've seen water tumbling down I've heard rain that made a terrible sound Every time you came around... I'd hear your voice, let down my guard You'd sing and soothe the good gendarme Circle of salt around my heart We held tight to those old wounds To your vitriol we softly swooned At that age it was all we knew... But now it circles round my mind It only gets louder with time This pesky albatross of mine... Every thought a thought of you Every drop quickly consumed Every moment wasted Hanging from the rafters, waiting Every thought wielded at you...
7.
8.
Let's carve this out, let's set it straight Let's dissect every single thing that I say Let's cut the rope, let's turn the key Let's boil every thing inside of me I've realized, at 25 All of the things wrong with my life I've placed this love high on a shelf With steps ascending to the twelfth But now I've come to find That sadly these poor people are just substitutes For what should be my bottom line But I'll never change my mind I'm cursed to pour through Every little detail so I'll never get to go in blind All of the problems that I've ever had Come from me never knowing when to hold back I give it away, everything that I have I place all my faith in their fragile hands And yet I'm still surprised... Because time and time again I interlock this circles Praying that those bells will chime And that's where it all dies Because they can't bear the burden of this twisted life Because I can't hold my bottom line. All of the problems that I've ever had Come from me never knowing when to hold back I give it away, everything that I have I place all my faith in their fragile hands All of the emptiness I've ever had Stems from a love I will never get back I give it away, everything that I have I try and I try but it never comes back All of the emptiness I've ever had Stems from a love I will never get back I give it away, everything that I have Again and again and again and again and...
9.
811 02:33
Maybe I've been wrong Wasting all my time thinking about How it all went down When I could've been selling records Writing slow jams/summer feel good anthems Meant to make you think that I am sincere That somewhere deep beneath this shell I live and breathe to do more than just life and breathe But we both know that's not true You may bleed red A deep, deep red But deep down all I've got is blue So I'll see you later Maybe one day I'll dig Deep down enough to talk about it Talk about it, to talk about How you left as quickly as you came And now it's hard to think Oh, but I doubt it... Watch you from the window While I'm trapped in this cage And debt and delusion Self-loathing and shame I feel so sick It never would've lived forever It could've never survived I'm trying so hard to make it One day at a time
10.
AAA 05:04
In the parking lot across From our favorite spot In this whole 1990's town I love the way you sound When you sing gospel songs I try to sing along But I always got the words all wrong... But I tried... And I tried... I tried... I tried, I tried, I tried... And I tried... I tried... I tried, I tried, I tried... To be better I just want to be... I just want to be better To be better To be better I just want to be... That night on your front porch Watched you sway back and forth Pull me down, my signal torch Show me what I worth And help me learn your language With your teeth and fingertips Force the words across my lips And I'll try... I'll try... I'll try... I'll try, I'll try, I'll try... And I'll try... I'll try... I'll try, I'll try, I'll try... I find myself sleeping more and more as time goes by Not because of laziness or apathy But because I legitimately need it As I get older my body becomes less able to maintain composure into the dark hours of the night As if the tide never wanes... Constantly rising and overtaking the coast I've lost countless acres I've lost countless hours to this ocean At first I fought back Struggling against the grip of the undertow But as I spend more time under the water I start to become accustomed to the pressure I become content with holding my breathe My body floating like driftwood on the currents I even begin to see the benefits of letting the water take the wheel I can simply let go and let the tide take me wherever it wants me to go I don't even really have to breathe if I don't want to I can simply drift No longer would I have to try No longer would I have to pretend to care Those days when I would lazily enter those three capital A's at the end of every unimpressive attempt at significance are long gone I no longer long Because I am I no longer I am done
11.
You see me spinning like I know there's nothing left You see me hoping all the weight will slide off of my chest But nothing ever changes I'm still stuck inside my head I'm wishing I could be asleep instead... I'll just stay home Stay in bed I'm all alone Because everybody left So take your time What's the rush? Because everybody does You tell me maybe I should just get over it Like maybe it's as easy as flipping a simple switch I don't think that you understand – It's so complicated Well maybe I could think like this instead... I'll piss and moan 'Till I'm dead Or skin and bones Maybe ash and dirt instead Don't wait too long To send your love It's what everybody does Just like you will... You really need to let me go ahead I'm sorry I've just never been too good at making friends The way that things are headed it feels like it never ends It's hard to be yourself with nothing left So I'll just stay home Stay in bed I'm all alone Because everybody left So take your time What's the rush? It's what everybody does Just like you will...
12.
Sinking Sand 04:26
Hardwood floors Through sunset doors The lowlight creeping in... My only friend Pour the sand Hand to hand It's cold again... My only friend Into place Number face Shake the ground Tumble down Can't fit in these old clothes These and those They don't remember me I don't remember me But every time I hear your name I burn up in that old flame Maybe I don't want to change Maybe I still want to talk about it Maybe I'm never going to feel like that again Maybe I'm just selfish Maybe it's just too late Maybe it's all my fault after all Maybe I don't deserve all this attention Maybe I don't listen Maybe I was happy the way I was... Maybe I was happy the way I was Maybe I'm tired of just pretending Maybe I'm tired of selling rope Why can't I just be happy? Maybe I'm just afraid Maybe it's not too late Maybe it'll be ok... Yeah, Maybe I'll be ok And in that moment seasons changed I'll never step in that water again Now I know just who I am How someone like me can start again I'll never stop the river It just wouldn't be the same So I'll brave those bloody waters I will face the currents I'll never stop the river It just wouldn't be the same So I'll brave those bloody waters I will face the currents I'll be the rock on which we stand Surrounded by sinking sand
13.
You probably think that all of this was for you That every song’s about you That every word is waiting for A chance to cut you down But I got all of that out Took that mulch, spread it around So I’ve got no songs about you now ...Except for this one. I stopped playing all the old ones at my shows I know that you don’t know I know that you don’t care And I couldn’t be happier I found someone who understands Takes me by the hand Sees me for who I am And I couldn’t be happier ...and that song about the car crash I didn’t really mean that I wrote it at the bottom of a bottle of rosé It took a while but I’m ok I’m old enough to think straight I’m old enough to look back on my life And have no doubts I heard you found your way to grad school Got a job and found a good dude One that really fits you Seems like everything worked out I said I’d never about you But now I think I’d like to Now I think I might do Something dumb like that I said I’d never write about you But it’s never been about you... “Who knows what’s good and what bad?”

credits

released July 4, 2019

On these recordings all parts were written* and performed by
Jeremiah Matthews

Produced, Recorded, and Mixed by Jeremiah Matthews
Assistant Engineering by Tokyo Lunchbox
Mastered by Joel Mariani at Pure & Simple Mastering

Art and Layout by Jeremiah Matthews
with a lot of help from Kayla Selby

*“WeSuckBlood” features the titular lyrics from mewithoutYou’s “Every Thought A Thought Of You.” This was used very intentionaly and with purpose. I’m not trying to claim it or anything so please don’t sue me. Big fan. K thnx. Love you.

This album was made possible in part by Crosstown Arts

Special thanks to Patrick Curran, Eli Wilson, and Wyatt Braden (for being the best live band I could ask for), to Jesse Mansfield and Haley Mitchell (for letting me borrow various bass guitars), Paul Taylor (for letting me use his space and a lot of his gear), Jim Gray (for giving me some incredibly useful mixing pointers and just being a generally rad dude), to everyone who has asked me ”how the record is comin’” (it really means a lot. You don’t even know), and to my sweet, sweet baby boy and my best friend in the whole world – Lunchbox. Most importantly though, thank you to my soon-to-be wife and best thing about my life, Kayla (for making my life worth living and giving me a stable and loving home so that I’ll never have to be in the state-of-mind that inspired the lion’s share of these songs ever again) You’re the light of my life, and I can’t wait to spend it with you.

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